Women and Bad Boys: What Is The
Attraction?
"Bad
Boys".
If
you're a woman, you may be saying "hmmm" as you hear these words. You
know you shouldn't, but you just can't help yourself.
There
is just SOMETHING about these guys that draws you in, even as your head
tells you to "beware"!
So,
what exactly is the attraction? It's not necessarily that they are more
physically attractive or smarter or more successful than the "nice
guys". In fact, they can have fewer of these qualities, yet be harder
to resist.
So
what is it? Let's begin by defining these guys. This term is generally
applied to males who treat women poorly. Do these behaviors ring a bell?
*calling
at 8:30 on a Saturday night to ask if you want to get together
*not
showing up for a date- followed by no phone call or apology
*never
having any money when you are out
*
forgetting or ignoring your birthday and other important dates
*flirting
openly with other women when you are together
*hitting
on your good friend(s)
*making
booty calls at 1am, after they've had a night out with others
*is
doing time for a serious felony
Instead
of asking "what is it about these guys"; let's instead examine what it
is about the women who can't resist them. The following are actual
statements from women who have a history of attraction to these guys.
See if any of these sound familiar.
*
"It's never BORING with him. He's unpredictable and exciting."
*
"He's strong, aggressive and self-assured; I feel safe with him."
*
"It's not his fault; he's trying to get his life together."
* "I
haven't met anyone else that makes me feel the way he does."
*
"He's so charming and passionate."
* "He
tells me how much he likes me, so he must really feel something for me."
* "He
needs me."
* "He
doesn't come across as needy and desperate."
* "I
can't believe I've attracted someone like him."
Now,
on the face of these, they seem pretty benign. We all seek at least
some of these traits in the men we choose. So, where's the problem?
Essentially
it's in his inability to meet the woman's fundamental needs. She is the
one doing all (or most) of the giving. The question then lies in;
"what's in it for her?"
The
answer can be found by exploring three basic issues:
*level
of self-esteem
*capacity
for intimacy
*roles
that she has been in throughout her life
If a
woman feels good about herself, she chooses a mate who communicates
both verbally and non-verbally to her that she is valued and respected.
She won't allow this other person to undermine her positive self-worth.
She believes in her ability to participate in a healthy, reciprocal
relationship.
If
she doesn't feel good about herself, she chooses someone who reinforces
her negative self-beliefs.
If a
woman is capable of true intimacy, she is open to the true availability
of the other person. She wants him to be a full and active participant
in the relationship. She can allow herself to be open, vulnerable and
able to take as well as to receive all that true intimacy offers.
If
intimacy is difficult, she choose someone who is distant, hard to
connect with and not emotionally and/or physically available.
If a
woman has had a healthy role in her relationships since childhood, she
will choose someone with whom she can continue this healthy interaction.
If a
woman has been too long in the role of rescuer, caregiver or the one
who sacrifices for the good of others, this will probably be the role
she will seek out in her relationships.
Fortunately,
most women fall somewhere in between on these issues. So the task is to
evaluate yourself in each area and decide on a course of action that
will help you to choose a "nice guy", who stirs your senses and meets
your needs while being truly available for a real relationship.
Begin
with an assessment of what you value most in life and cannot live
without.
Go to
http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/02oct.htm for an article on
"clarifying and living your values".
Once
you know what is most important to you and believe that you are worthy
of achieving it, you will have taken a giant step towards finding the
right partner for you.
Toni
Coleman, MSW is a licensed psychotherapist and relationship coach with
over 20 years of experience. As a recognized expert, Toni has been
quoted in many local and national publications including: The Chicago
Tribune and The Orlando Sentinel newspapers and Family Circle, Woman's
Day, and Star magazines. She has been featured on ABC News; Discovery
Health Channel and AOL Online. As a weekly contributing commentator on
the KTRS Radio Morning Show, (St. Louis, MO), Toni offers dating tips
and relationship advice in response to listener feedback. Toni founded
Consum-mate.com in 2002 to offer singles the knowledge and tools they
need to find and sustain healthy, lasting love relationships. She is a
member of The International Coach Federation, and The International
Association Of Coaches.
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